nothing really to say today. well, too much to say, but the lump in my throat is just too big for yammering.

instead, some lyrics from a why? song that have been cycling through my head like the tour de france. over and over again. beautiful. tragic. perfect.

When we're on different sides of the globe
I thought we'd keep our veins tangled
like a pair of mic cables,
And if there ain't enough slack to reach
that we'd solder them together
and across oceans they'd stretch.

another late bloomer.

and by that i don't mean things didn't get going till late. rather, things started so early i was already sucker-gone hours before it could even be considered remotely late. it is 3: 06 am and i am just arriving home from some sort of epic adventure. i think it's called summer. or early spring.

it started at 1 pm. i met a friend for pho. and by pho i mean bun. and by bun i mean a big bowl of vermicelli topped with pork and spring rolls and all manner of herbs and good stuff. a saturday must. ladies who lunch lunched, and caught up. then, some shopping of the vintage variety. which is basically lots of sifting, hemming, hawing, and then a few quick moments of uncomfortable change room fumbling, when you try to squeeze into various polyester creations, determined to find something (anything!) that looks remotely 'just so'. funny to think how old clothes were someone else's before you, so it's almost doubly hard to claim the styles for your own, as you mark your territory with primps & mirror poses.

then we ran into some friends - well, technically new friends - people i knew through other people through through through, etc & so forth. so we decided on beers at ronnies. set up camp on the patio. three hours later, we were happy, slappy, clappy and sappy. or rather, we were hilarious-ish. comebacks and quips were flying faster and furiouser than any vin diesel flick.

but yes, pints upon pints. and sunshine.

some discussion of a potluck that some of the new friends were attending ended up in a decision to go to said potluck, even though we knew none of the hosts. and so, a few hours later, we showed up on crawford, mango/papaya salsa & six pack of kronenburg in hand, and made more new friends in a back garden strewn with petals from a flowering tree above. later, one made crepes for everyone, and as we sat in some random kitchen, my eye fell upon the name on the subscription label of the new yorker, and wouldn't you know it, it was a name i knew very well. yes, this city is so tiny that you end up in a stranger's apartment that turns out to not be a stranger's at all.

this was simultaneously really, really cool and really, really claustrophobic. lately the social network of this city keeps getting smaller and smaller and tighter and tighter - the frequency of connection and one degree of separation and "oh i remember you from so and so, such and such" is getting out of hand. it really must be time to go.

we eventually ended up meandering over to ted's - odd to hit an oldskool spot with newfound friends. i recalled that on a hazy january night, years ago, i once i fell down the stairs there, and subsequently fell in love. were the two falling actions linked forever? is that why my left side still aches? after all, it's where the arm is and the side the heart's on.

it was a night. and it's been a weekend. and next week, 29. the future's so bright, i've got to wear shades. good thing i just bought new ones.

realizing lately how so much of what i thought mattered tons and tons really mattered nones and nones.



a trite, trite (but so very right) way of putting things today.

i am at a loss for words. and even as i write that, i know that's a lie, since i can go on forever & ever about nothing at all - but seriously now, things are a bit wonky and weird and what and how and why and when did it all get so complicated? poetic i am not right now. thing is, i am facing the second funeral in 2 months. that's a lot of death, and deconstruction of my own life - after all, it's impossible not to analyze what you've got when you lose someone.

and it's these moments of loss that you also find yourself thinking about the other things you've lost along the way. maybe you've misplaced them in the clutter of your routine and now you wonder how you never noticed how empty your schedule was - maybe you cast them aside in your haste to get somewhere you thought would be great, and now you find yourself reaching out for them in your sleep - maybe they are tiny little nuances that never seemed of import, and now, well..are.

these are the times when those things come to your attention. rise to the surface. bubble over and out, into the forefront of your murky mind. so as i prepare myself for a flight cross country and into another, i think about things. and things and more things.

i'm reminded of a few old lyrics i once loved back in my adolescent days - there's zeppelin's cliched goodness, "i'm going to california with an aching in my heart". which is apt, though slightly cringe-inducing. and then, of course, there's joni mitchell "callllifornia, i'm coming home. will you take me as i am, strung out on another man, california, i'm coming home". which again, is apt. after all, it is my home, or rather, my first home. and here i go, returning to my place of birth on the occasion of death...

and it is a sad and rainy day in may.

it's too late.

another ambiguous phrase that i can apply liberally to my life, like sunscreen, when you pump too much out onto your hands, and have to rub it into every nook & cranny, even if the sun will never shine on the crevices you adorn.

or something.

frankly, my over-articulation is getting a bit tired, only to me- or rather, maybe to everyone, and also me.

point is, i am feeling some sort of low, and i don't mean low in a depressing way. more like a "let's get this thing off the ground" way. i am tired of sitting around and thinking about what will be. and i am even sicker of my own self-righteous yimmering about what comes after that. frig, i just need to do, don't i.