realizing lately how so much of what i thought mattered tons and tons really mattered nones and nones.



a trite, trite (but so very right) way of putting things today.

i am at a loss for words. and even as i write that, i know that's a lie, since i can go on forever & ever about nothing at all - but seriously now, things are a bit wonky and weird and what and how and why and when did it all get so complicated? poetic i am not right now. thing is, i am facing the second funeral in 2 months. that's a lot of death, and deconstruction of my own life - after all, it's impossible not to analyze what you've got when you lose someone.

and it's these moments of loss that you also find yourself thinking about the other things you've lost along the way. maybe you've misplaced them in the clutter of your routine and now you wonder how you never noticed how empty your schedule was - maybe you cast them aside in your haste to get somewhere you thought would be great, and now you find yourself reaching out for them in your sleep - maybe they are tiny little nuances that never seemed of import, and now, well..are.

these are the times when those things come to your attention. rise to the surface. bubble over and out, into the forefront of your murky mind. so as i prepare myself for a flight cross country and into another, i think about things. and things and more things.

i'm reminded of a few old lyrics i once loved back in my adolescent days - there's zeppelin's cliched goodness, "i'm going to california with an aching in my heart". which is apt, though slightly cringe-inducing. and then, of course, there's joni mitchell "callllifornia, i'm coming home. will you take me as i am, strung out on another man, california, i'm coming home". which again, is apt. after all, it is my home, or rather, my first home. and here i go, returning to my place of birth on the occasion of death...

and it is a sad and rainy day in may.