i am slowly going crazy. 1-2-3-4-5-6-switch.

crazy going slowly am i. 6-5-4-3-2-1-switch.

every day seems to be stranger than the last. sure, on the surface it's mundane monday or no news tuesday, but just below, it's all a flutter. all of it. so much to think about, so much to drink about. so much to wonder, worry over, ponder, and dissect.

what a funny way to describe thinking - to dissect - to endlessly pull apart conversations and situations, bit by bit, piece by piece - as though they were insects and butterflies ready to be mounted behind glass. and does any of that meticulous mulling ever really make anything clearer? or is that obsessive untangling of the tangled actually counter-productive - i mean, once the tangles are completely smoothed over in your mind, you might lose sight of what drew you into the tangle to start with.

or something.

perhaps i am in musing mode (though really when am i not) because i just finished a book of essays from my all time favorite column - "modern love" in the new york times. every sunday, a different writer captures a snapshot or snippet of love in their lives - so this book was an anthology of a bunch of these - from essays about finding new love, breakups, and affairs, to adopting orphans and losing loved ones to cancer - the list of love topics was endless. sadly this book was not.

i could not put it down. and then felt that pang when i reached the last pages - knowing it was coming to an end.

it is so easy to get caught up in the lives of others - to glimpse into the everyday heartaches and heartbreaks of people. and then of course, you realize that your own life has plenty of these essays in it too - half-written, half-thought through stories, summing up your relationships, your regrets, your happy memories.

yes, yes - schmaltz city. but sometimes you have to be, don't you.

peaks & valleys, peaks & valleys. peaks & valleys are my life.

no, those aren't the lyrics to some horrifyingly maudlin folk ditty. though well they could be. no, i am just getting all melancholic on a very sun-filled sunday.

ups and downs and back and forths are suitable i guess, since i am currently out in the beaches, and so spend my time sallying from one end of queen street to the other. it's a two hour walk through more peaks and valleys - not physical ones, but the less tangibles - the fancy neighborhoods and starbucks and yuppie delights representing the peaks, and the seedy underbelly of queen east - in all its denim-clad booze-drenched splendor, the valleys. and as i walk through the changing cityscapes and peoplescapes, i listen to the same songs on repeat - songs that have turned into quite the soundtrack.

there's the wistful happy lilt of feist's "i feel it all" - i know more than i knew before, she sings, and as much as i hate carrying on a one-sided dialogue with song lyrics, i have to agree with her.

there's the simultaneously mournful and uplifting shimmers of the national's "guest room" - and much as i hate attempts at describing music in such poetic, pretentious fashion, i have to say that it is mournful and uplifting. just like life.

there's the anthem for my year so far, lcd soundsystem's "someone great" - and much as i hate the declaration of song of the year, i must admit that this is the song of my year - in all its longing and losing and dreaming not only of what once was, but of what will eventually be. you'd think after listening to it 100-odd times - in faraway places, at home, walking to and from work, sitting in my office, on airplanes, in the park - that this song would stop haunting me. and yet, i still listen over & over a song about things being over and how you feel when thinking it all over.

finally, this, the newest to land itself in my mind - spoon's "the ghost of you lingers". this song has stunned me, with its incessant keyboard banging joyful wistful everything. there, i abandoned all hope of describing that one with any grace or style. suffice to say it is everything i need in a song right now. here it is, in all its wonder and wonderful-ness. i will listen myself into oblivion as i wait for the stretch to smooth into something in between the peaks and valleys.

oh boy oh boy oh joy oh joy.

it's a hazy dazy delight of an evening. time keeps on ticking into the future. yes, i just quoted some sort of garish steve miller tune. but you know what, on saturdays such as these, i am allowed some sort of unpoetic license.

see, i have some exciting news. or rather, i received some exciting news this week, and am attempting to funnel it through my usual nonchalant prose. it's all coming out rather clunky, but for once, i really don't mind.

last year i managed to win this little sadvertising competition that sent you over to cannes for a week. and, somehow, oh somehow, i've managed to weasel my way into winning again. found out on a typical wednesday, right as i was going into an endless conference call. and so, i had to sit there feigning something like interest while my hands shook and my heart raced like a roided up sprinter. sun, sand and staring off into the horizon, here i come. oh, and schmooze, and booze, and croque monsieurs at 5 am, and general good times.

yes, i have somehow managed to officially achieve lucky ducky ducky bastard status once again. oh, not in everything, of course - my melodramatic life musings will tell you that -- but in the case of summer plans, i must say, i've been rather charmed.

i count down to adventure.

wow. i am not really sure what to write today, and as most who know me can attest, when i am speechless, it is a strange strange thing. of course, not knowing what to type really doesn't mean you're speechless, does it. more like blank-minded, shooting blanks, blank slated. actually my life is a whole lot like a fill in the blanks right now - waiting for things to naturally fill up the parts that are missing.

and what is missing? obviously not brilliance. ok, more like obviously not stupid jokes. but seriously - when do you ever really figure out the a-z of what's missing from your seemingly full life? is it the moment you wake up alone and realize you want to be with someone? the moment you wake up with someone and realize you want to be alone? is it the moment you finally see that what you thought was a spontaneous adventure is actually a tedious routine? or is just when you finally feel that it's time for little changes - baby steps into fulfillment?

i feel like i'll always be a lover of tossing around cliches & ponderings like this - without really ever doing something about them. what's that called anyway - is it lethargy? laziness? am i destined to be passive & neutral? a switzerland, if you will?

this meander is littered with question marks. which marks me as a meanderer full of questions.

which solves nothing, really. but doesn't it look delightful?