just another manic sunday.

well, not manic, really. more like muddled. befuddled.

as i try to put together the pieces of what seems like a puzzle, but is more likely just a rather uninteresting fact of life, i wonder. wonder if i am crazy, or just the same as everyone else in every other situation like this. it's funny, you can convince yourself that your situations are unique, and then you realize that gazillions, if not bajillions of people are going through the same heartaches and headaches as you are.

is it human to feel special, when really you aren't?

i suppose it's a rather wonderful brand of selfishness - after all, no one is going to care about your own problems like you are. so you might as well believe with all your might that they are indeed one of a kind.

all i know is that i know very little of anything these days. the autumn has hit rock bottom, as it were. and so here we go, en route up up & away to feeling a bit more lively and lovely. thing is, when you spend all your time looking ahead, you forget that your day to day life is real. it doesn't seem permanent, and therefore it feels less important than the next next next steps. and yet, it is all your time, isn't it.

so this time, it's finally time to decide what i'm doing in time, so i can enjoy truly enjoy my time.

and now it's bedtime.

8:08 pm and the lights are off.

off and on. like my relationship with everything of late.

fickle pickle is my name. and yippy yapping seems to be my game.

fall. the perfect time to really secure your interests - gone are the frivolous days of summer, replaced with the crisp determined air of a season that's most important job is to purposefully march us forward into the next.

and yet, here i am, hanging onto the frosted flake loveliness of being aimless, as is kosher in june, or july. the joy of wandering around on balmy evenings, breathing in the dusk that kicks around till almost 11 pm. of leaving decisions to the last moment about everything - because you always know that if your plans fall through, others will magically appear. because everyone wants to flit about doing not much of anything with pretty much anyone in the summer.

and now it is 8:08 pm and the light is off inside and out - the sun set almost an hour ago, settling the world into darkness and the new, dimly-lit romanticism of hibernation and cozying up to anything close, including your comforter.

this time of year, music starts to feel really meaningful - as if it doesn't any other moment of any other season - but in fall, you feel it all. or you think you do. there's something in the air - in the way the leaves scatter across the streets in tri-color splendor, and in the vaguely melancholy tone of everything you see and hear and touch. all of this makes music emerge as the undisputed king of autumn. and so you load up your ipod with various mixes, and hit the streets, making your way through throngs of people in their coats and scarves, the modest heels on your boots clicking and clacking across the concrete.

your headphones are big, too big for your outfit, really, but you don't care. the soundtrack is far more important than your hairdo, isn't it?

and as you cycle through the songs, one chilly but sunny song after the other, you look forward into your future, and by future you mean winter. for it is there, waiting in the distance for you. and all the warmth of music won't save you from its cold mitts.

i wonder if you'll know better about anything then than you do now.

it's a quiet riot of a day.

meaning, slow, lonely, with a hint of storms
that were and might still be.

it power showered all night, and now sunday has emerged from the fog --

a desolate mess of grey.

almost impossible to believe that we've wandered into october already. the endless summer proved to be quite the opposite, and fall has snuck up, nudging winter into readiness. yes, yes, this all sounds rather depressing, i realize. but some days you just have to embrace the cloudy and feel a little low. and by low i mean, well, aimless. on a weekend where everyone is off carving turkeys or watching others carve turkeys, i sit feeling murky.

not to say i don't have the option of various get-togethers, i just don't know that i want to exert that kind of social effort. which is very anti-me, and so chances are that attitude will get tossed out when i tire of it, ie when the time rolls around to get up and face the world of various get-togethers i'd rather not attend right now.

no, right now i feel like holing up and eating sushi and reading a novel. and giving thanks for what, for indecision? for the division of my rational thought and my irrational desire to fling myself head on into the who knows wheres of longing?

possibly. but also for the good (which there is much of) and even for the bad (which makes the good that much better).

and all that gravy.