goodness, it's been awhile.

for some reason i have been bottling up the incessant desire to yibber yabber blibber blabber. but that sort of admirable resolve has dissolved, and here i am back again, welling up with useless lines to communicate. and fittingly, it's a sunday evening, my favourite night for introspection.

four days into november and as the temperatures are cooling, so is my ardour for being blue. you can only really be down for short stints - i must say, those who have the attention span for long term depression really are a determined bunch. it's pretty tedious sport.

sure, it's cool to mope around for a bit, but at a certain point pale and interesting invalid becomes dark and boring. you stay awake too late at night, staring out at the starry skies and wading through some sort of sleepy melancholy, then wake up too late, rolling over to bury your face into your starry, starry sheets, and wish you were anywhere but here.

of course, you know that here isn't such a bad place to be - in fact, it's pretty damn great. but self-obsessed sadness can be quite seductive. it gives you carte blanche to complain to your sympathetic friends, to feel sorry for yourself, to wonder and wander and wallow. even though deep down you know how irritating you find yourself in this sorry state - you, yes you! have turned into the kind of pretentious goon you love to hate. and so, you pull yourself out before it's too late.

yes, you shake shake shake the blues off. listen to the right kind of music - screw the torch songs, you need tunes that'll fire up your enthusiasm for life. of course, they can still have some element of bitter, of bad, of sad -- but there must be hope, whether it's in the earnest singing, the melody, or the lyrics themselves. songs by the mountain goats seem to do this well - where words like this make you smile, wanly perhaps, but you smile - you smile. i end this ramble with a few of my favourites:

I hope that our few remaining friends
Give up on trying to save us
I hope we come up with a failsafe plot
To piss off the dumb few that forgave us

....


The first time I made coffee for just myself, I made too much of it
But I drank it all just cause you hate it when I let things go to waste
And I wandered through the house like a little boy lost in the mall
And an astronaut could've seen the hunger in my eyes from space


And the wind began to blow and the trees began to pant
And the world in its cold way started coming alive
And I stood there like a buisness man waiting for the train
And I got ready for the future to arrive.

.....

i am going to make it through this year, if it kills me.
i am going to make it through this year, if it kills me.