oh dear. it has been some time.
and by some time i mean a long time has passed. and i also mean it has been quite a month, or however long it's been since i sat down to write in this. or on this. i suppose i could go into detailed detail, detailing all that has occurred these past few weeks, but on this quiet sunday evening, post-haste & waste, it all seems a bit much to go on about.
suffice to say that it has been strange. and by strange i mean about as peak & valley as you can get. there were moments of exhilaration, there were moments spent crumpled in teary town. sunny afternoons where i marveled at life, and an entire weekend spent at various funeral-related events, contemplating death, and the life that follows it. and all the while, i feel like i worked harder than ever before, trying to maintain a sense of normalcy in such an emotionally jagged series of events. which is very like me - escapism is one of my favorite hobbies, and boy, do i go hard rather than go home. i mean, losing yourself in a world of work is easier than working out things in the real world sometimes, isn't it?
i am cringing already at how 8th grade this all sounds - but i must get out a bit of my melodramatic dribble before i can be all pretty and poetic again. right? right? right.
at any rate, march was a wild ride - and ended at fever pitch - late nights at work, early mornings of gazing at the construction site across from my window and wondering what the day would bring - pints of guinness washed down with discussions of projects and past relationships and future plans. all the stuff of a bad 90's movie. but i guess you can't avoid these kinds of plot lines and dialogues once you get to a certain age. i mean, life is soooo deep right now. ok, maybe not at all. but i suppose we have this thing called experience to draw upon, which makes our self-indulgent waxings that much more profound. or rather, seemingly profound.
it was interesting to find myself at dinner at a friend's house on a saturday night, serving up food off of real serving dishes, sipping gourmet brew - civilized grown-up stuff. we all commented on such a descent into adulthood - and i say descent because in a way such relaxed company feels like a bit of comedown, doesn't it - even though it's all very elevated. then again, just the night before i was beery and bleary-eyed, searching for my coat in a dimly lit bar - which is way more of a descent, but still seems vaguely glamorous, because let's face it, debauch is kind of hot. moments later, my night rose to a half gorgeous half tragic swell, and again, though it was probably a low point for all involved, it sure felt like a high.
i guess again, this is a time of double standards - and strange dualities - sloshing pitchers around and giggling like juvies seems just as appealing as intellectually posturing and talking about "life". at least i know that both are equally silly.
but back to the time. the time that has passed, leaving me a bit breathless and more than a little confused. and the time to come, which is all still too blurry and unplanned for my liking. even though i am forever a fly by the seat of my dress kind of person, i long for the carefully laid out plans that ensure the success of well, organized people everywhere. or so it seems to me.
march is over. and this april fool is well on her way into another hazy dazy summer.
and by some time i mean a long time has passed. and i also mean it has been quite a month, or however long it's been since i sat down to write in this. or on this. i suppose i could go into detailed detail, detailing all that has occurred these past few weeks, but on this quiet sunday evening, post-haste & waste, it all seems a bit much to go on about.
suffice to say that it has been strange. and by strange i mean about as peak & valley as you can get. there were moments of exhilaration, there were moments spent crumpled in teary town. sunny afternoons where i marveled at life, and an entire weekend spent at various funeral-related events, contemplating death, and the life that follows it. and all the while, i feel like i worked harder than ever before, trying to maintain a sense of normalcy in such an emotionally jagged series of events. which is very like me - escapism is one of my favorite hobbies, and boy, do i go hard rather than go home. i mean, losing yourself in a world of work is easier than working out things in the real world sometimes, isn't it?
i am cringing already at how 8th grade this all sounds - but i must get out a bit of my melodramatic dribble before i can be all pretty and poetic again. right? right? right.
at any rate, march was a wild ride - and ended at fever pitch - late nights at work, early mornings of gazing at the construction site across from my window and wondering what the day would bring - pints of guinness washed down with discussions of projects and past relationships and future plans. all the stuff of a bad 90's movie. but i guess you can't avoid these kinds of plot lines and dialogues once you get to a certain age. i mean, life is soooo deep right now. ok, maybe not at all. but i suppose we have this thing called experience to draw upon, which makes our self-indulgent waxings that much more profound. or rather, seemingly profound.
it was interesting to find myself at dinner at a friend's house on a saturday night, serving up food off of real serving dishes, sipping gourmet brew - civilized grown-up stuff. we all commented on such a descent into adulthood - and i say descent because in a way such relaxed company feels like a bit of comedown, doesn't it - even though it's all very elevated. then again, just the night before i was beery and bleary-eyed, searching for my coat in a dimly lit bar - which is way more of a descent, but still seems vaguely glamorous, because let's face it, debauch is kind of hot. moments later, my night rose to a half gorgeous half tragic swell, and again, though it was probably a low point for all involved, it sure felt like a high.
i guess again, this is a time of double standards - and strange dualities - sloshing pitchers around and giggling like juvies seems just as appealing as intellectually posturing and talking about "life". at least i know that both are equally silly.
but back to the time. the time that has passed, leaving me a bit breathless and more than a little confused. and the time to come, which is all still too blurry and unplanned for my liking. even though i am forever a fly by the seat of my dress kind of person, i long for the carefully laid out plans that ensure the success of well, organized people everywhere. or so it seems to me.
march is over. and this april fool is well on her way into another hazy dazy summer.
posted by mad at 2:57 PM
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